I’ll be back in NY performing an updated version of my solo show as part of the BAAD!ASS Women Festivalat the Bronx Academy of Arts and Dance. YAY!!!! How great is it to be included in an event that has “badass” in the title?
For those who have seen it before, it’s new and improved and much sassier. New scenes, more sound and visuals. For those who missed it last August, here’s your chance.
After a year of hard drive crashes, losing the first version, lost and found footage and countless hours of staring at my own face…it’s finally done. Thanks to all the filmmakers who got me footage of my work, and to my patient editor and friend Marli Schoessler. Please leave me comments. This is so exciting.
Maternal is not something anyone has ever accused me of being, well unless you count cats. Case in point, my fabulously handsome furchild. But I digress…
Whenever I get called in to audition for a mom role (which isn’t that often) I just have a hard time getting it up so to speak. Especially nice, wholesome moms. Yuck! I just had one of those auditions today. I guess I’m just getting more clear about what kinds of roles are interesting to me, and the truth is I often audition for stuff that isn’t very interesting to me at all.
Maybe that’s why I’ve started writing my own material. There are so many characters, stories and emotional landscapes I’d be thrilled to explore. I’m definitely drawn to edgier characters and darker emotional places, and I don’t play them as often as I’d like. So instead of waiting, I’m developing a new web project for myself that I think is supercool and totally unwholesome. Am just in the writing phase now, but should be putting it out there by the summer. Will let you all know more details when things are more solid.
This weekend I got an unexpected text from an acquaintance detailing a dream he had about me. In the dream, I was very successful: he was choosing which theatre to go see a new film I was starring in. He also mentioned that his dreams have been prophetic in the past. Yeehaw!
It felt so great to know that someone else out in this big world was holding a space for my success. I felt totally energized and supported by his message, and my mood instantly changed. I swear I could feel/see the energy he had sent out into the world on my behalf. It made me think about how much I give (or don’t) to the people in my life. About how much more I’d like to be giving. How even small things can have big ripples.
I’ve been thinking a lot about value these days. How much value am I adding to the world with my work? What is my intention and contribution? If I think my value is high, why do I not feel adequately compensated? I’d like my work to heal, move, shock, educate, stimulate, challenge and infuriate people. I DO think there is value in my work, and it’s a matter of finding the appropriate market for it. I’m working on that…
A surprise collaborator (who I mentioned before) recently surfaced and a new web series is on the horizon. It’s odd. This project seems to be writing itself and has been flowing out of me effortlessly. Actually every time I take a shower, new scenes and dialogue just start coming to me. Then I have to jump out to go write it all down before I forget it. I seriously need a waterproof digital recorder. Got one? This is the first time I’m really enjoying writing, and I’m excited to spend some time with this character.
In contrast, the rewrite of I Heart Hamas has been slow. I’m trying to get down with the process and the fact that the show will probably go through several incarnations, but the perfectionist in me wants it all done now. Again, working on that… There may be some performance opportunities this Spring/Summer on both coasts. I should know more in the coming weeks.
I’m shooting a few days on an independent feature in March, and it seems like a promising project. Although from this point forward, I’ve decided to limit my auditions/work to money gigs while I get my 2 projects off the ground. I have the feeling that my own projects have more potential to get me seen, than anyone else’s project at this point.
So on that note I have to get back to work on my EPK (electronic press kit) for I Heart Hamas. But in the spirit of the opening of this post, if you’d like me to hold a space for the success of your goals and dreams please send me a comment. I can’t promise I’ll actually dream about you, but I can send some mighty grace your way. Plus putting it in writing is kind of like a promise to yourself and a declaration to the world of your desire. Now go out and create what you want.
I’ve been underwater for the past five weeks, and can honestly say January was the worst month I’ve had in a long, long time. With all the horrific news coming out of Gaza, I was heartsick and everyone else in the world was looking for information online about Hamas. So when they googled “Hamas.com”, the magic of the internet sent them to me. (The website for my show comes up in the top 5 search results by the way.) So let’s just say death threats and hate mail no longer effect me. It just goes to show that the anonymity of the web brings out the monster in all of us.
In the midst of all of this, my steady jobs all dried up, my knee went out, my computer crashed, and my cell phone died (the computer and phone within 5 minutes of each other in what I like to call my own personal electrical storm). People kept telling me Mercury retrograde– Yes, I now bow down to the powers of astrology and specifically Mercury and will sacrifice my first born to prevent any such catastrophes in the future.
So in the spirit of reinvention and second chances…I’ve decided February is the new January. Hey, if 40 is the new 30, and Arab is the new Black, February can be the new January. I don’t like starting the year off in a bad place, and ever since the fog of January lifted things have been sunny and warm in my world. So MY New Year started February 1st, 2009. And what a February it’s been. Started working with a new agent, and am excited about the relationship. Am shooting a new feature, and have a few more films in the wings. Just got a callback for a commercial. Booked a Murder Mystery gig. Some fresh ideas for the rewrite of the show have surfaced. So far, so good.
And the cherry blossoms outside my apartment windows bloomed early this year…February 1st to be exact. You can call it global warming, but I’ll call it a special Happy New Year from the Universe to me.
Thankfully Christmas came and wiped my blues away; I’m feeling hopeful and determined again. Thanks to everyone who sent me a note of encouragement and support. It’s so important to check in with fellow travelers on the journey and I’m happy to know you all have my back!
Looking back on this year, I’ve actually had some major successes and a long streak of acting work. I’ve shot lead roles in 2 indie features, have written and produced my own solo show which debuted in NYC and got some great press, been called in to read for a role in a major motion picture starring Helen Mirren and at a couple of medium-large equity houses, and have sustained myself (for the most part) with a variety of commercial, print, industrial and live performance acting gigs. It’s been a very good year for me and I am grateful for the work. It has also been a very busy year which leads me to my next point…
Learning how and when to say NO and take some personal time. As actors we are always afraid there won’t be a next job, so we tend to say YES even when we might need a break and are burnt out or aren’t really sure how interested we are in the project or the timing is bad. I know I do. And it ends up biting me in the ass everytime. I’m not the best at prioritizing and protecting my own needs, body, schedule and creative vision. Which is why I’ve been so cranky lately: I’m exhausted and overextended and need to take a break to recharge my batteries. I haven’t taken a vacation in over 7 years! So as part of my New Year plan to take better care of my own needs, I’m taking the next week off people. I’m calling off all meetings and gigs, and asking for deadline extensions on a couple of projects. No work. No responsibilities. No commitments…just baths and naps and movies and cocktails. I’m out until January 1st, maybe longer. So have a very Happy New Year! It’s gonna be a good one. I can feel it.
The past few weeks have been hard. I don’t mean to be a whiner. Really, I don’t…but they have been. Talking to a friend today about her assertion that we aren’t so tough as a people: this generation, Americans. We have machines and people to do and make and fix everything for us: our food, computers, cars, our heads. So when things get hard, we tend to give up easily or hand things off or pout. And she’s right.
So I admit it: I’m not half as tough or persistent or strong as I think I am. I don’t work as hard as I could. I’m neurotic and easily derailed by my emotions. And I complain. A fair bit. But I guess the bright side of all this is that there is lots of room for improvement. :)
So onto the acting career stuff: Things have been…HARD. Not a lot of work at the end of the year, which makes me anxious. Almost wrapped the feature, but we had a rain day and had to reschedule our last shoot day for late January. The whole experience with that film was not what I expected–which is not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes things aren’t what you expect. Lesson learned. I have to be more clear before I get involved with a project to make sure I’m getting what I need out of it. Otherwise I get cranky and that is no fun for anyone.
Booked roles in two more independent features shooting in the New Year, which is really exciting. The oncamera time is invaluable as far as gauging how my work is progressing. It’s wierd to have a job where you can’t actually do your job very often. So I really have to relish those times when I book a job, and put the oncamera time to good use.
I watched a pretty interesting film last week (”Hannah Takes the Stairs” in case you were wondering) and I was thinking afterwards how much I wanted to find a director and crew to work with me to help me develop some ideas I have…and then the very next day I get an email from a director who wants to work with me to help me develop some ideas I have!! Hello? An unexpected surprise collaborator popping out of nowhere and making me an amazing offer…I am sorting out the details and expectations on that and will fill in more as things develop.
This past week, I’ve also had some folks extend their hands and contacts to help me make this tour idea a reality which is awesome. But, I’m also realizing it’s going to be a lot more work than I thought it would be. I guess anything worthwhile is worth fighting for.
Okay, okay, fine. I finally get it. The message has been received loud and clear, Universe or Godperson or Bundle of Swirling Energy. Maybe this Generation Whatever? (Palestinian) American girl needs to quit sulking and pouting, and just toughen up, roll up her sleeves and get down to some hard work. Fine. Lightbulb moment happened. Complaint time is over….but maybe next time could you make the process a little easier?
So the past few weeks have been a mixed bag, and a bit of a roller coaster ride. Things are great, and then slow, and then bad, and then good again. Not sure what to expect next, and I’m having a hard time getting down with the instability.
With the holidays here, work and auditions have slowed down dramatically. It’s really slim pickings and I may need to pick up some non-acting gigs to make rent this month, which I’m trying to not see as a defeat. It happens. I’m also rewriting my show, which has been really challenging. Lots of really cool ideas percolating, but the actual pen to paper has been slow going. This has made me really angsty and a bit cranky. But in the midst of all this (basically in the past 72 hours), I’ve been contacted by 2 separate organizations that are interested in my show. These are completely unsolicited performance invites; they found me.
This week is also my birthday week, which is exciting right? I actually lovelovelove my birthday and like to indulge in celebrating it for as long as possible with as many people and parties as I can get away with. But there is also something about my birthday that makes me a bit sad and thoughtful. Last night, I received my first birthday gift from someone I just met a few weeks ago in my acting class. It was totally unexpected and really awesome.
This all got me thinking about how truly random everything is…
We all have our local coffeeshops, our favorite restaurants, that snuggly swetashirt we like to wear when we aren’t feeling well. We attempt to create structure because it makes us feel safe and warm, but in nature is routine really the reigning dynamic? Or is it randomness? Tune into the local or global news it seems like everything around is pretty chaotic and nothing makes any sense. But does it all happen for a reason? Is there an underlying crystal clear structure beneath it that we can’t weave together because we don’t have the facts? Honestly, I’m not sure. But I do know that the world keeps throwing me curve balls, giving and then taking, and then turning the whole damn thing upside down and shaking it up. So in honor of perceived natural and global chaos, I am declaring this birthday: Embrace the Random Day.
I am going to kiss whoever, invite whoever, talk to whoever, do whatever the hell I want. Even if my grammar is bad. And I am inviting you to do the same. Ask someone random out. Do something you’ve never done before. Ride a horse. Shoot a gun (hopefully not at someone). Talk to the hot guy in the Trader Joe’s produce department. Speak French even if it sucks. And do it knowing that you only get one shot at this wild ride. Do it because, as my friend Anna just reminded me, all you have is the experience of what you have done and how you have behaved. You have no control over what other people do and what the world throws at you (economic crisis anyone?). So come celebrate with me.
I’ll be performing a brand new-never before seen- scene from my show at a monthly solo showcase in Berkeley on December 16th. Come out if you’re around and kiss me or something….Thanks for all the birthday love.
“It is not the critic who counts; nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions – who spends himself in a worthy cause – who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly – so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt
Made my monthly income entirely off of ACTING JOBS for 2 months in a row: October and November. Woot woot!
Shot this weekend for the feature. Continued my experiment, and am finding this new approach very interesting. I can’t wait to see the dailies and see if my new relaxed way of working translates. I saw some of the dailies from the first weekend’s shoot and although I did seem relaxed, I noticed my own personal habits and expressions coming through that didn’t work for the character. Some of my shyness– yes, I can be shy. This time I was aware of that while shooting and am interested in seeing the results. Being trained in method acting, I always felt like there was so much psychological and emotional background work necessary. And there is in the prep, but not carrying it over to the shoot is proving to be tremendously liberating and it makes the work easy. I’m not all angsty and tense onset when I work this way. It is much more enjoyable. That’s what all those acting teachers meant when they said “do the prep, and then check it at the door”. This way it hardly feels like work at all…shhh, don’t tell.
So it turns out I have a secret admirer. I discovered this on Day 3 of bedrest when I begrudgingly dragged myself out of the house for some fresh air-and what did I find on my doorstep? A gift bag of chocolates and mini cakes and cat toys! Oh My! Yes, he even got my cat a gift. Is it that guy I met the other day across the street? It must be, but I was totally blowing him off….Riiiight. Men LOVE that. It’s like honey to a bee. Wait, that doesn’t work. No like crack to a crackhead. He conveniently left a business card with his digits. Cute? Or Crazy? Not sure yet. But just like that there was a new spring in my brokedown, sick ass step as thoughts of Mr. This-Isn’t-Gonna-Work faded serenely into the background. Is it just that easy?
After breaking relations with my less than stellar agent a while back I’ve had a hard time getting a new one. My acting coach says there are too many women in my type and age range already working with these agents, that it’s not me, so not to take it personally. Blahblahblah. That still hasn’t made it any less frustrating, even if I’ve been getting more work than most of my friends who have agents just hustling for myself. It still irked me, and made me question my marketability…. And then out of nowhere on Monday, I got an email from one of the agents I submitted to a while back who now wants to meet me.
Moral of the story:
You never know what (or who) is around the corner holding that bag of chocolates with your name on it. Faith vs. Fate. What does that mean? Well, I’m gonna tell you. It’s been my mantra for a while ever since I saw this ugly ass mural in the NY subway at the Metropolitan stop in Williamsburg.
Faith vs. Fate. (Faith) The belief in the possibility for things to go your way, in the goodness of the universe and the viability of your dreams INSTEAD OF (Fate) getting sucked into thinking that you haven’t made it yet, so what makes you think it’s gonna happen. That part of the brain that “realistically” assesses things, uses the past as the standard for judging the future, and just pretty much kills your buzz. As an actor you never know whether or not your project is going to get picked up and seen widely, or how your performance is gonna be edited or presented or who is just about to call you to offer you a job. You work really hard, audition, send out your headshots, put in your performance and then wait…..and it’s in that waiting period that Fate sees his in and starts filling your mind with crap about how old you are, or how your projects aren’t getting seen, or if you’re really gonna “make it”-whatever that means. I often feel Fate nipping at my heels trying to pull me under, but I can proudly say that I am firmly playing for the Faith team more often than not these days. I believe my work will make an impact, and needs to be seen. I am creating the life I envision. Faith 2. Fate 0.
Today is my last day in bed recovering. Tomorrow I have to return to the world and to a busy week: playing an eco-terrorist in a Murder Mystery, 2 shoot days for the feature, an audition for a film, prepping for the agent meeting, and I just committed to performing an excerpt from my redeveloped show (which has yet to be redeveloped) in December so I have some serious writing to do.
Going on Day 3 of laryngitis and had to cancel not one, but 2 shoots this weekend! Damn. Double damn. I could have used the work, but I’m really just that sick.
One of the shoots was for the commercial I auditioned for a few weeks ago. Yes, peeps I got cast as a screaming teenage girl. It must have been the amazing scream I did at the audition, as well as the top that accentuated my young and nubile parts that convinced them of my youthful charms. Or maybe they couldn’t find enough teens and just decided to cast “young-ish” women. Either way, I had to pass on the job since I’m over hear practically perishing on the couch in a cold sweat and constant coughing fit. Hope the coughing at least works my abs as a by-product.
Shoot 2 was the feature I’m working on for the next 2 months. They were great about rescheduling, so we’ll just tack on some days in December. In the meantime, I got a great idea for that character today. I’m going to put together a purse for her, and then maybe think about what her bedroom looks like. What’s in a woman’s purse is very revealing, and will help me think about her in a new way.
Hmmm, what would be in Tegan’s handbag?
-Saint Figurine Good Luck charm made out of metal given to her by her mom
-Broken cigarette
-Loose change in the bottom
-Hard candy, apple flavored
-Condom that she got for free in the Sparky’s bathroom
-Drugstore watermelon Lip gloss
-Small brown leather bound notebook for writing ideas
-Purple pen, and a green one
-Lock of her ex’s blonde hair (that she clipped while he was asleep) in a small plastic bag
-Smooth rock she picked up in New Mexico on a spontaneous road trip
Being sick always makes me kinda sad, and slightly crazy. I’m a social person, and having to stay in alone with movies and the cat and too much lemon ginger tea just sets me off. How many episodes of “Mad Men” can one woman watch in a day? I start to feel like the whole world is passing me by out there and I’m here wasting time lying down. Maybe I’m not a good relaxer. Okay, fine I’m not.
The no talking is also kind of a drag. Talking is one of my fave things, especially when I have so much going on right now. Keeping it all bottled up makes me feel really stressed. But I’m wondering if there is a deeper message here. Am I supposed to be learning something by being silent? Sounds very saintly and noble. I remember the only other time I got laryngitis and couldn’t speak for a few days. It was on a roadtrip to LA and I was drinking, smoking and partying like a rock goddess. I lost my voice on NYE and was at a party writing notes to people all night on the butcher paper on the tables. Then out of sheer boredom I ended up making out with 2 guys–which was pretty great actually. Wait, this laryngitis is nothing like the last one! I feel totally gipped. Instead of double makeouts, this past week I got really clear about the next step for me: taking my show on a multi-city tour in the Spring. Yes, that is so adult of me….and boring (I mean the sitting home and planning, not the actual tour). But I guess we all succumb at some point. I will be posting more info about tour ideas and cities as they come up and could use your input, support and contacts. Just putting it out there.
Have you ever seen a jellyfish move through the water? There is something amazing and effortless about their self propulsion. It’s like an inner pulsating that just carries them forward as they glide through the water rhythmically. No struggling or pushing. It looks like they are just breathing themselves into motion with pure ease. Hmmm, maybe it’s because they don’t have a brain.
I was thinking about this in terms of my acting. Okay I admit it, I am a worrier. I brood, get uptight and stressed out when it comes to my work. I begin to fear that I can’t understand this person, or that I’m not doing enough. Well, that was how my process used to be, but something just majorly shifted recently!! I started shooting this feature last weekend. I prepped less than usual, but felt okay about that and then just showed up to set and performed. No stress. No anxiety. No pushing or creating. My work was coming from body and gut and a place of relaxation, more than mind or muscle….kind of like how I described my last performance. With another part of me just stepping in and taking over, my mind could take a backseat and just watch. It’s really cool. Like being hypnotized, take my world for it.
This new way of being with myself oncamera and onstage could be just the thing that takes my work to the next level. It feels very compassionate, and completely natural. We are shooting again this coming weekend and I am excited to see how this experiment unfolds.
So tonight I’m staying in restless and sad from a near miss with a lovely man, and I’m wondering why men can’t be more like auditions to me. It seems I’ve gotten used to being rejected by directors, agents, casting people; and I no longer take it too personally. I don’t blame myself or wonder what I did wrong. I no longer cry and get depressed. I don’t wonder what the person who booked the job did, or why I wasn’t right for the job, or if I will ever book another job again…I think you see where I’m going with this.
You can get used to anything if it happens often enough. The fact that I’m no longer getting super-upset about not getting a job or a callback was a pleasant realization for me. It meant I was growing a tougher skin, rolling with the punches and not taking every “NO” personally. It felt like a necessary skill to have as an actor. But is that how it is in relationship? Should we celebrate not being disappointed or hurt or angry when rejected? Should we just shrug our shoulders and move on to the next thing when it’s clear that someone doesn’t want to be with us? Is that possible? Necessary? Or just plain sad? I’m not sure.
Well tonight, that doesn’t really matter: I am not in that position. I am disappointed, and taking it a little bit personally. But I am also grateful that I’m a deeply feeling woman who believes in the value of magical and deep connections, even if it means getting hurt while looking for them. I like that sensitivity, and that belief. It keeps the dreamer and conjurer in me alive. Plus, it makes me a better actor. So in the end men are not at all like auditions to me…but maybe more like busses. I’m bummed when I miss one, but I’m sure another one will be coming down the road any minute now;)
…to bring a kid to a theatre show! I performed my solo show last night at San Francisco State University. It was the last time I’d be performing v. 1.0 of the show, and I felt very uneasy. The day of a performance I am always nervous and nauseous, but I had been worried about this particular performance for a few weeks now. The venue was a huge auditorium set up for a banquet, the program was long and I was on at the end, and the organization bringing me out didn’t have a lot of experience dealing with theatre performances.
For the most part it went smoother than I expected except for the fact that someone brought their crying baby to the event. Who the f*ck brings a baby to a theatre show? Who? An Arab! Now don’t get me wrong I love my peeps, but some of them are not too acquainted with the etiquette and protocal of a live theatre show. Let me break it down this way. I spend all week rehearsing and all day prepping. I am nervous and want to make the experience vital, enjoyable and meaningful for the audience and myself. I am onstage working my ass off to tell you a story. I am invested emotionally, physically and psychologically. This is my life’s work. The least you can do is listen, be attentive and not bring your crying baby to the goddamned show!
So needless to say the first 15-20 minutes of the show were rough for me. To tune out the kid. To not break. To give my full attention and energy to bringing the audience into the story. But somewhere at the halfway point I had turned it around and reached that place I love. That place where the words just flow out of my mouth and things are seamless. There’s no effort or thinking. That place where I’m almost not there, and someone else (some other me) is running the show. It was then that I looked out and saw the audience fully engaged watching the story unfold, watching that other me do her thing and I couldn’t believe that I was lucky enough to be a part of the magical thing that was happening.
I just auditioned for the role of a screaming TEENAGE girl for a commercial. What casting director in their right mind would call me in for the role of a 15 year old girl? Well one did. And the best part, I had to yell “I love you Justin” and scream. Loud. Justin Timberlake at 2 auditions in as many weeks. Is it possible?
A friend called me last night and asked me about my big audition last week.
Me: Which one? Him: The theatre one. Me: Oh, they liked me and said great work. That I handled it well, but I don’t think I got it. Him: (Silence) Oh. Me: It’s okay. You don’t have to be disappointed. I don’t get a lot of jobs I audition for. I’m kinda used to the rejection. The great part is I felt really good about it, and I am getting a lot more positive feedback from Directors and Casting Directors about my auditions. Him: (pause) Oh…Okay. Me: Don’t worry you’ll get used to the rejection to if you stick around. It’s not such a big deal. I already forgot about that audition, and the other two I didn’t book last week. Him: Right.
Wow. I’m actually at the point where I audition and forget about it…well, most of the time anyway. There was a time when every audition I didn’t book, or at least get a callback for was like a punch in the gut. If it was a job I really wanted, I would cry and be really upset for a few days and wonder if I was any good. If it was a job I didn’t want, I’d still be hurt. Why the hell wouldn’t they want me??? There are still those jobs that slip through my hands that just make me sad and I mourn it for a couple of days, but those are few and far between. For the most part, I am not as attached to the rejection being personal. And obviously there are times when I don’t even recall the audition.
It’s interesting how much sensitivity is demanded of actors. An audition is the emotional equivalent of a one night stand, but at the same time we are asked to remain completely unattached emotionally to outcome. Give everything freely, expect nothing in return. It’s some serious, high level Zen Master shit people.
